So You Wanna Be A Vampire?

Two recent (and very different) DVD vamp releases may help you decide if bloodsucking is the life for you

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By Don Kaye
Special to MSN Movies

So you wanna be a vampire? You like the idea of prowling around, looking all sexy and pale, hypnotizing innocents (preferably good-looking people like yourself) with a magnetic stare, and then sinking your gleaming white fangs into the tender flesh of their necks? Well, take a deep breath and think it over for a moment.

You see, despite the glamorous and often sensual image of vampires perpetrated in countless books and movies, including last year's teen vampire epic "Twilight" (out now on DVD), becoming one is not necessarily a free ticket to a life of delicious decadence. Just ask Eli (Lina Leandersson), the ancient vampire permanently stuck at the age of 12 in the brilliant, Swedish "Let the Right One In," also released last year and just surfacing on DVD.

Unlike the debauched Eurotrash of "Interview With the Vampire," Frank Langella's smoldering Count in the 1979 film version of "Dracula," or the sweaty, lustful townies of HBO's sexed-up series "True Blood," Eli lives a transient, isolated, grubby un-life. She wears cast-off clothing, hangs out in a drab, mostly unfurnished apartment in a moribund suburb, and snacks sloppily and violently on whoever gets in her crosshairs. The vamps of "Twilight," on the other hand, live in a lavish mansion, come and go as they please, and are actually respected members of the idyllic rural town they inhabit. They even like to get outside and play a game of baseball once in a while.

For years, the two iconic vampire images were the ratlike, inhuman Count Orlok of 1922's "Nosferatu" and the full-blooded, aristocratic Dracula portrayed by Bela Lugosi in 1931. Since then, cinematic vampires have been split between the sexy and the scary, the horrifying and the heart-pounding. Drinking someone's blood can be seen as utterly distasteful, as it is in "Let the Right One In," or a kinky sexual metaphor, as it is in "Twilight" and too many others to count. But when you get right down to it, how sexy can a reanimated corpse really be?

Still want to be a vampire? Let's compare the lifestyle of the "Twilight" vamps with that of little Eli and see how they stack up. And then you can make the call.

Eating Habits

Is it essential for vampires to drink human blood? In "Twilight," members of the Cullen clan have forsaken it in order to live relatively peacefully in the community of Forks, Wash., nourishing themselves on animals instead. Eli, on the other hand, doesn't even bother trying. First her henchman Hakan (Per Ragnar) attempts to murder some locals and drain their blood to bring back for his boss. But when he botches the job one time too many, Eli has to do it herself -- and she does, clamping onto the backs of her victims like a giant leech as she forces her teeth haphazardly into their throats. It sure isn't pretty, but it's grittier than the bloodless "Twilight" and closer to what vampirism is really all about.

Home Sweet Home

The Cullen vampire "family" of "Twilight" lives in a swanky, modern, glass-and-wood house in the beautiful woodlands of Washington state, with lots of windows, nice new furniture and a huge kitchen. They get around in some pretty nice rides as well. Eli, meanwhile, shows up at her new home in a cab. Her nearly bare, charmless apartment is in possibly the most depressing block in all of Stockholm. She sleeps in the bathtub -- but she does sleep, unlike the Cullens, who never have to get some shut-eye. Then again, if you lived at Eli's place, you'd spend most of your time sleeping, too. (Did we mention the film also takes place in the dead of winter?) Since vampires traditionally have to sleep in the dirt of their homeland, we'd guess that Eli's living arrangement is a little closer to the truth.

Look, Ma, I Can Fly!

Hunky "teen" Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and his "family" are practically superheroes -- they can fly through the air, run at blazing speeds, and possess superior strength. Edward does in fact go all Superman at one point and stops an SUV from crushing love interest Bella (Kristen Stewart) with one hand. He also takes her for a flight above the woods (again channeling Superman) and later seemingly runs all the way from Washington to Arizona to rescue her from a less human-friendly vampire. Eli can climb up hospital walls and even takes on a whole gang of school bullies at one point, but never indicates any interest in baseball -- or any sports -- while the Cullens could probably dominate the American League West if they went pro.

Fashion Sense

Nearly every member of the Cullen clan could think about pursuing modeling as a career, starting with the sculpted, porcelain perfection of Edward and going right down the line with the perky Alice (Ashley Greene), the pouty Rosalie (Nikki Reed), and even the mature, handsome clan leader Dr. Cullen (and he's only, what, maybe 200 years old). They all wear the best, most fashionable clothes. And if their skin looks a little white, well, you try living in cloudy, gray Washington. Poor Eli, on the other hand, is a fashion disaster. Her mismatched duds resemble rejects from the local Salvation Army, her stringy hair looks like it was last washed around the Great Depression (quite possible), and, with her cracked lips and too-worldly eyes, she often seems her 100-plus years. Perhaps the Cullens can recommend a top stylist.

Bending the Rules

Many filmmakers and authors (including "Twilight" scribe Stephenie Meyer) have seen fit to break the rules of vampire mythology when necessary or convenient. For instance, the Cullens move about freely during the day as long as it's not sunny -- and even when the sun hits them directly, they merely sparkle like big diamonds. Eli can only come out at night and will go up like a bale of dry straw if a stray sunbeam falls on her. Poor kid -- even Dracula, in the original novel, was able to get around in the daytime, although he sure didn't get his glitter on. Dracula was also able to change into animals or mist, something for which neither the Cullens nor Eli show an aptitude. The Cullens also show up in mirrors -- how else would they get their hair so perfect?

Your Friends and Neighbors

Eli and Hakan creep into their suburban Stockholm apartment complex under cover of darkness, block the windows of their flat, and basically stay out of sight, with Hakan making an occasional trip to the coffee shop and Eli befriending lonely little boy Oskar (Kare Hedebrant). On the whole, though, they're more reclusive than Axl Rose. As for the Cullens, well, the "kids" all attend the local high school, while the head of the clan serves as the town doctor! Very convenient work if you're a vampire, although, of course, the Cullens don't drink any of the townspeople's blood -- that would make a hell of an item for the local gossip column. Depending on the book or movie, vampires have been able to integrate themselves into society with varying degrees of success. But if we're still dealing with prejudice based on race and sexuality, just think how tough it would be to overcome bigotry toward a walking, talking, bloodsucking corpse.

Love Vampire Style

Romance is not a factor in Edward Cullen's life -- that is, until he meets Bella and the two proceed to exchange lingering, longing glances for much of the ponderous, two-hour running time of "Twilight." Although Bella herself is supposed to be the moody outcast type, she is quickly accepted at the Forks high school and ends up popular with humans and vampires alike. It's not a complete shock that Edward's undead heart immediately belongs to her. Poor little Oskar, on the other hand, is a shy, awkward, sensitive boy who is naturally a magnet for the sadistic bullies at his impersonal school. His relationship with Eli is based not on teen lust at first sight, but a truly shared empathy between two lonely, lost souls. The two movies couldn't end with more different scenes, although, oddly, they both ultimately say the same thing: that two very different people can find a semblance of love together no matter what. Still, we think the ambiguous, isolated nature of Eli and Oskar's fate rings a bit more true than the prom-night fantasies of Edward and Bella, but that's because we feel that when it comes to vampires, we prefer ours a little more "30 Days of Night" and a little less "Gossip Girl."

Send us your thoughts on "Twilight" and "Let the Right One In" to heymsn@microsoft.com

Don Kaye covers films, TV and entertainment for MSN.com and doesn't want to be a vampire, even if he is good-looking.