The Observatory: Loving Wonderfully, Awful Movies

With 'G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra' cementing itself in history, we look at those horrible movies we can't stop watching

By Eric S. Trautmann
Special to MSN Movies

The new "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" film has recently taken theaters by storm, and it was with no small amount of trepidation that I caught the opening night midnight showing. I'd had absolutely no interest in Hasbro's two prior toy-franchise-to-film adaptations ("Transformers" and "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"), and I had similarly low expectations of the new Joe flick.

I expected a loud film, with a thin plot, wooden acting, a lot of expensive CGI and a crushing weight of silliness, which is not my normal recipe for a pleasant evening. And "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" delivered in spades on all of those points, with one glaring exception.

"The Rise of Cobra" is a ridiculous amount of fun, which I never would have predicted.

Yes, it's a terrible, terrible film, with lackluster performances from much of the cast (notably poor Dennis Quaid, who is a textbook example of a career in decline, sadly).

That's not to say the whole cast is a wreck: Ray Park delivers an excellent physical performance as mute ninja Snake Eyes, despite an inexplicably silly redesign of his classic mask; Rachel Nichols manages to pull off tomboy/sexpot Scarlett with good humor; Marlon Wayans (not an actor I have any fondness for) is surprisingly funny and charming as pilot/infantryman Ripcord; "Mummy" and "24" heavy Arnold Vosloo brings a surprising humor to master of disguise Zartan; Byung-Hun Lee brings great screen presence and panache to uber-ninja Storm Shadow; and former "3rd Rock From the Sun" child star Joseph Gordon-Levitt chews scenery in a deliriously over-the-top turn as Cobra Commander.

The visual effects have a cartoonish, campy quality, the dialogue is supposed to be rapid-fire and witty (but is basically expository and decidedly unclever), but it appealed shamelessly to my inner 12-year-old.

I couldn't help but be reminded of similar campy, awful films from the 1980s, films that are unapologetically terrible and yet were still very, very satisfying:

Real Heroes Wear Spandex ...

In 1982, director Hal Needham (the helmer of such art films as "Smokey and the Bandit," "Stroker Ace," and "Cannonball Run II") introduced another high-tech paramilitary team, not terribly dissimilar to "G.I. Joe."

"Megaforce," starring an impossibly blow-dried Barry Bostwick and "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" alumna Persis Khambatta, was the tale of an elite unit of supersoldiers that burst into action "whenever freedom is threatened."

Megaforce is summoned into action when the "peace-loving Republic of Sardun" is attacked by neighboring Gamibia. Apparently unable or unwilling to defend themselves from the evil Gamibians, the Sardunians enlist Megaforce's aid.

Enter the hero: Ace Hunter. (If that name doesn't make you chuckle, consult a physician immediately.) Ace is eager to stand up and be a hard-puncher of democracy, mostly because it's the right thing to do, but also because the leader of the Gamibian military (played by Henry Silva at his most reptilian) is a former comrade who once stole Ace's favorite lighter.

What follows is a conflagration of crashing cars, laser weapons, flying motorcycles and perfect, feathered hair, earning the film three Razzie Award nominations in 1982 (Worst Director: Hal Needham; Worst Picture: Albert S. Ruddy; Worst Supporting Actor: Michael Beck).

To my knowledge, "Megaforce" has not been made available on DVD, so to view this wonderfully awful film, you may have to dig out a laser-disc or VHS copy.

... Or a Fur Loincloth ...

A similarly wonderful/awful film is the 1982 sword-and-sorcery romp "The Beastmaster." Directed by "Bubba Ho-tep" helmer Don Coscarelli and featuring a very nearly naked and very, very oiled up Marc Singer (aided and abetted by TV stalwart John Amos and bubbly and vapid Tanya Roberts, and menaced by a leering Rip Torn), "The Beastmaster" is pretty much every 1980s-era Dungeons & Dragons game I encountered, put on film.

Dar, a young man on a quest to avenge the death of his father, assembles a colorful band of allies to kill Maax (Torn). Dar, gifted through a truly bizarre series of events with the ability to see through the eyes of animals, manages to climb, grunt, kill, maim, and slaughter his way through a horde of enemies called, well, "The Horde."

A completely nonsensical film, but also the best film ever. When you're 12.

... Or a Metal Speedo

Arguably one of the "better" toy-to-film adaptations is "Masters of the Universe," featuring Dolph Lundgren in the role of He-Man (proving beyond all doubt that Lundgren was born to play a piece of plastic). Also featuring character-actor standouts like Chelsea Field and Frank Langella (as villain of the piece, Skeletor), the film is goofy, full of humor and action, and, most importantly for fantasy films of the 1980s, features Billy Barty as an elf.

Robert Duncan McNeill (best remembered for his turn as Tom Paris on "Star Trek: Voyager") and a pre-"Friends" Courteney Cox star as Kevin and Julie, some Earth teenagers sucked into the titanic war between Skeletor and He-Man.

Despite a laughable plot, and the needless incursion onto Earth, "Masters of the Universe" has above-average special effects, and wonderful set-direction, reminiscent of Alex Raymond's Flash Gordon art.

So bad, but hard not to like.

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